My Head, My Life, My Problem, My Thought

Jakarta, 24 july 2009

At a time in your life, you will face a moment where your world's falling apart. Your dream betray you and walking away. Your ideal prototype life’s slithering slowly from your hand. You left behind with empty handed. You're at nowhere. Clueless. You're a stranger. You're alone.

I did.. I am...

For some people, they get through this with others. They share their burden, cry together, get tap on their back. Get encouragement and support.

For me, and for some people like me. We bear it alone. Not because we're stronger. Not because we're greater. Not because we're smarter. Just because we didn't taught to. We didn't used to.

For years we've tried to handle things by self. We're survivors. We're a great castle with huge wall outside, broken to pieces inside.

Don't get me wrong. it's not like we don't have friends. We do have. I have great friends I know will do anything to help me out. But to us, to me, it's not their fight. It's mine. It's not we don't trust them, it's just I have to handle this alone. I know this not seems right. It's ridiculous, who can handle the world alone. But it does happened.

So I gather my last strength. Keep walking though very tired. Keep my head high though exhausted. Keep smiling and laughing while I'm dying. I should have got an Oscar for this. I'm a professional. A Pro doesn't mix their personal problem. A Pro should looked firm, tight, strong. And here i am.

I burry my self with tons of work, report, meeting to get rid of my roller coaster feelings. It does work. At least from 9 to 18 sometimes 20... And then they come back. They’ve never truly gone. They just step away for a moment.

So here I am. Stand firmly at the morning and crawl desperately at night. Smile and laugh in the crowd, cry silently when alone. Encourage people to be a problem solver, be a part of winners, but clueless on what I should do. Here I am, a stained glass masquerade.

Sometimes we need to be beaten up almost dead to realize that it's too huge for us to handle, to admit it just way over our hand. So here i am. Beaten up to dead. Wounded. Hopeless. Torn apart. Deeply exhausted. Desperately looking for help. Eventually I have to throw the towel. I have to find back up. Call 911. I'm done. I'm through. I rest my case.

"My hope is You. Show me Your way. Guide me with truth in all my way..."

I believe You're my healer. You're my shepherd. You'll guide me through the darkest valley. I believe You're more than enough for me. I believe nothing is impossible. Nothing's too big for You. Nothing's too difficult. I believe You know what's best for me. You already prepared the best. You’re my Father. You never let me down. You always keep Your promise. You've done all, gave all, thousand years ago and You'll do it again… For me.

I know I still have my doubt. Those feelings won't go away by a blink. I still feel the empty hole deep inside sometimes. But I believe miracles do happened. I know I have You by my side. I know I'm not alone.